Guest
What is a Star War™? The better question is what has it become? Ages ago it was a film made by a California hippie named Georgie who loved race cars and worried about an authoritarian future taking away his race cars. Now that he is old and lives in an authoritarian future that has taken away his race cars, he sold the evil empire he created to a different evil empire. The modest kid from Modesto just wanted to tell a tale of a farm boy who goes on an adventure with a space wizard to save a princess… and it ended up ruining his life and the lives of so many others. After Star War was a hit, he made Empire Strikes Back. It was so awesome because other people made it for him. Then he was so mad he crashed his golf cart into a lake. For the third film, he hired a former circus clown named Richard whom he could boss around and yell, “Add more midgets!” and thus the original trilogy was borned. Several years and pant sizes later, Georgie made the prequels. Fueled by ego and blue screens, G.L. made three films that were met with a luke-warm reception (pun intended). While the films made cash, G.L. wasn’t really and truly happy. He complained and complained to Oprah and Charlie Rose about white slavers and nightmares where Ewoks would pee in his salad. He eventually found a new love: washing his flannel shirts and producing terrible films. Several books and video games later, George was so bored he sold the Star War to Disney (a company known for their porno and children’s meat pies) and would regret this decision all the days till his grave. He could have chosen Universal, Warner Brothers, hell even Orion, A24 or Gravitas Ventures , but the only company big enough to shell out that kind of cash was Disney. After all, 4 billion is a lot to dig out of the couch cushions. Imagine though, the blue jeans and flannel shirt wearing man who claimed to be the indie rebel selling Star War to a smaller company like an A24? Or Dimension films, or something like that. Sell it for a discount to show how much he cares. He's got enough cash right? Or does he need 4B to finally producer his smaller films? Anyway, selling to a smaller production company of a quality nature, that’d be like winning the lottery for them. Make a good first film and rake in the cash. Restrict them and force out the quality. Force them to have a smart plan of what to do with a Star War. With Walt Disney’s company, they went the quantity over quality route. And filling the troughs of streaming content didn’t help. Forced to have a buffet of Star War content available to subscribers, no care or forethought was placed into a plan or a long term story or connectivity, etc. They certainly didn’t plan it all out like Marvel. They went at it like RDJ at a snowman made of cocaine. Thus a mess was created. Then KK emerged as the queen of Star War, pointing and yelling at the kids in the writers rooms. Make this. Make that! MAKE IT FAST YOU CLOWNS. Every day a new movie or cartoon was in production. The wheels began to spin faster than a cuckoo clock. The drool spilled as movies began to emerge from the anus of Disney at a diarrhea-like pace. An army with no general. A war without a goal. Like the everlasting gobstoppers being churned out of Wonka’s silly contraption, the Star War Disney products began to come out like old butt plugs from Andy Dick's insides. But who were they made for? Star Wars Man? Kids? My dead grandma? People waiting to board a plane at the airport? Some content was good. Most was bad. All the actors smiled and pretended to love a Star War. “I watched it as a kid and always dreamed of this shit” they’d say. Lies. They just glad to be working and cashing checks. Directors lie and say “This was my dream to make to Star War pie and play in a playground of my dreams. I’d rather make a Star War than a real movie with artistic nature” what a lie. They like the checks. The Disney/Star War gatherings where the crowds wave lightsabers around and clap like animals at a political rally further ensures the Disney dominance of power over this once beloved story. It’s more machine now, twisted and evil. What comes of the Acolyte? What is it? Is it a secret story about how the gays are harassed by the religious cops? Is it a story about sisters who go different ways and then decided they were both on the wrong path but can't decide what clothes to wear and to keep the same haircut their whole lives? When does someone save the galaxy? I just learned today that Billy Mays has died and the Sham-Wow guy was arrested. Do all of our heroes fail us eventually? Yes. Even rebels from Modesto become the Emperor someday.
