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i hate the idea of absurdism bcuz it just instantly makes everything i feel seem worthless and meaningless, like why should i feel happy or sad if there is no meaning from one moment to the next, even now i feel like have to write this down now or something will distract me or hold my attention for more than half a second and now there will be a totally different thought loop going on in my brain.. like ill be stuck thinking so negatively about something, and then i see a friend in an unexpected place or eat something and instantly everything negative is overwritten, my mood changes so often and for so little reason i just feel like there is no point in feeling anything bcuz every thing i think and every reason i give for my mood is moot as soon as anything happens, im sure everyone has done this at some point, when you are just trying to peacefully sorrowmaxx and then all these joycels come out of the woodwork to ruin your streak, idk why i but i always felt a lil mad when that happened because every point i would make in my head under a pessimistic view point would make so much sense in the moment, and when i was no longer such a debbie downer, i would still recognize and remember why i felt like that but my brain would not process the truth i felt in them before. idk i just cant trust how i feel anymore if the slate will be wiped clean so often i nned some stability but at the same time i cant stay in the same enviroment i need to change to grow i need a rock that knows when to change... ok its been a few hours since the writing last and i just hate how whiny i sound, i definely see why people sometimes dont like philosophy because its hard to justify why your views should be the ones that are heard, like talking about the shared experiences that a lot of people go thru and just musing about them is bound to generate some eyeroles, because i cannot justify why my thoughts are so special that i am the one who is writing them down. idk, that really doesn't sound like a well-thought-out opinion when i read it back... anyways, i just hate the writing i just did but i dont want to dismiss it outright because i to remember why i felt the way i did, but i just cannot identify with it now, it feels like reading it is lying to myself but whatever :shrug: listen to MC BOING NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! wtf its been more time since i wrote all this and i gotta stop putting these things in the description do i really love the botnet so much that i am revealing myself to google.. wtf is this cringe lol
