Guest
Episode 29 Narrative NICK [Makes assorted noises] Ooh/Aah!Ooh! BRIDGET Hello Nick. Have you lost a button? NICK Ahh! Ha – hi Bridget. Huh-uh. … I’ve just … practising. Ha-ha! BRIDGET Practising what? NICK I am going to join – the SAS. BRIDGET Special Air Service? NICK Yeah. BRIDGET You? [Sound of incredulous laughter] NICK What’s so funny? BRIDGET Nick, the SAS is for tough guys! Real men who are fit. They’re highly trained. NICK I was in the Scouts. BRIDGET You [yeah] were in the Scouts? [Sound of amused laughter] Oh Annie, Nick’s going to join the SAS. ANNIE Oh, that’s wonderful, Nick. Erm, don’t you need special training? BRIDGET It’s OK, he was in the Scouts! [Sound of laughter] Sound of TV being switched on HECTOR [Introducing Camping Show on TV] Hello. [Crashing noise]. Here in the National Camping Exhibition … ANNIE Oh, there’s Hector. HECTOR … It is all tents, tents, tents. EUNICE MOUNTAIN … In every shape, size and colour. ANNIE And Eunice. HECTOR … And we will be showing you the best … EUNICE MOUNTAIN … And the worst of camping. HECTOR So, stick around … back to studio. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Shall we go and try out some sleeping bags now Hector? HECTOR Oh, ha-hmm. HECTOR & EUNICE MOUNTAIN Ah – ha-hmm. ANNIE [Impersonating Eunice] Shall we go and try out some sleeping bags, Hect-or? Huh! BRIDGET Calm down Annie, it’s only a television report. ANNIE I know but, well he’s been working with Eunice a lot recently. BRIDGET … And? ANNIE And well I’m just worried that he, well, that she, well, oh you know! BRIDGET Annie, don’t be silly, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Although - Hector is a good looking man! NICK Yep, and she’s a good looking woman. ANNIE Ooh!! Sound of film music on TV NICK Brrr! Pow-pow-pow! Incoming, Broad Sword calling Danny Boy, Broad Sword calling Danny Boy … I was watching that! BRIDGET Not any more. Go on, it’s late, back to your own tent. NICK What’s so funny? BRIDGET You, a scout! [Giggling noises] NICK Yes, so! BRIDGET I can just imagine – trying to light fires. Sound of twigs being rubbed together/match being lit BRIDGET Helping old ladies across the road. Sound of traffic BRIDGET Tying knots. ANNIE [Giggling noises] Sound of shoes being dropped ANNIE What was that? BRIDGET I didn’t hear anything. Sound of door being opened ANNIE Hello Hector! HECTOR Oh, good evening, Annie. ANNIE Don’t you mean ‘good morning’? Where have you been?! HECTOR Oh, you know, for a couple of beers. ANNIE Who with? HECTOR With the lads. ANNIE Oh, so erm, when did the lads start wearing LADIES’ PERFUME?!! HECTOR Oh, I forgot, Eunice was there too. ANNIE Oh, so erm, what did you talk about? HECTOR Tents. ANNIE Tents? You talked about tents all night?! Where? In her tent? Or yours?!! Sound of door slamming HECTOR Annie! An… BRIDGET [Composing email] Guess what? Nick is training to be in the Special Air Service. NICK I am going to join the SAS. BRIDGET [Composing email] He thinks it’s the same as being a Scout! NICK I was in the Scouts! ANNIE [Composing email] Hector has been working a lot with Eunice recently. EUNICE MOUNTAIN Shall we go and try out some sleeping bags now, Hector?! HECTOR Oh! ANNIE [Composing email] And he came home at in the morning. ANNIE Where have you been? ANNIE [Composing email] ‘A few beers with the lads,’ he said. Huh! I could smell Eunice’s perfume on him! ANNIE When did the lads start wearing LADIES’ PERFUME?!! Rustling noise HECTOR Oh yes! I’ve got it! NICK Oh, it was my turn for the toy! HECTOR No, you’ve got The Incredible Hulk. So I get two turns. Pow!! [Laughs] Hey, Nick. NICK Uh? HECTOR What do you think of Eunice? NICK Ha! Well, she isn’t an English Rose. HECTOR No, I don’t think she is a flower. NICK No, it’s a saying. An English Rose. A sweet, pretty girl, like Annie. HECTOR Oh no! Eunice is not a sweet, pretty girl! NICK No. Eunice is more, erm … HECTOR What is that plant that grows all over walls in England? NICK Honeysuckle. Wallflower. Erm, ivy? HECTOR Yeah, ivy. Eunice is more like English ivy. NICK What do you mean? HECTOR Well she … NICK … Likes dancing? HECTOR No, no, she … NICK She’s all over you? HECTOR Yeah. NICK Hah. Do you like it? HECTOR Mmm. NICK [Makes whistling noise] I see trouble ahead. Whoo-hoo. Sound of door slamming BRIDGET What’s so funny? Come on, share the joke! ANNIE It’s Hector. BRIDGET Hector came home late last night, is that it? ANNIE He was out with Eunice! BRIDGET Oh, don’t worry about Eunice, she likes flirting, that’s all. Hey, this’ll cheer you up. Look what I found. ANNIE Oh, it’s pictures of us when we were Brownies. Aah. Oh, and you’re wearing your Brownie uniform! Ah. BRIDGET It still fits! ANNIE Ooh, look
